Yesterday’s speed bump came in the form of a wedding. A beautiful, happy occasion that I was looking forward to. I didn’t see it coming. As I dressed the kids and got our things together, I was excited. I love weddings. I love the flowers, the dress, the cake…all of it. I love the dancing. From Unchained Melody to YMCA, and everything in between…weddings are so much fun. And although I’ve shed a tear at ceremonies before, I am not a sappy person, and I usually do not cry at weddings. Yesterday, I held back tears at a wedding…tears that had nothing to do with how beautiful the bride looked in her gown…and she did look beautiful. Tears that had everything to do with the little lump snuggled on my lap during the ceremony, her little fist wrapped tightly around my finger…completely selfish tears.
I want it all. I want to see Madison walk down the aisle one day. I want Chris to walk beside her, and give her away to someone who will love her so completely and know what an amazing gift she is. I want her to date, and go to prom, and wear high heels. I want her to have a family of her own, and know how amazing it feels to have that little fist wrap around your finger. And I’m so torn between hoping for all of these things, and feeling guilty for doing so. If my dreams for Maddie, turn out to be just dreams, I have to be ok with whatever is in store. But does that mean I stop hoping for them? Is it selfish of me to dream of a life for her that may not be possible? Sometimes I feel like I’ve been robbed. Like something precious has been taken from me, but I can’t tell yet what is missing. Like when I put her braces on, and instead of feeling grateful that she has braces, and that they are helping to support her, I catch myself wishing I could put her in all the cute baby shoes I see other babies wearing...completely selfish. I don’t want to be disappointed in anything that she does or doesn’t do in her life. I want to support her in everything, and encourage her to have dreams of her own. I don’t ever want her to see disappointment if my dreams for her don’t come true.
I know everyone has hopes and dreams for the future. I felt the loss of a dream as soon as we found out about Madison’s SB. I knew the pregnancy, the birth, and everything surrounding it would be different from anything I had planned or hoped for. And it was. The pregnancy was filled with condolences instead of congratulations, the birth was 1000 miles away from home, and the experience was unlike anything I could have imagined for us. And although it wasn’t what I had planned, it still worked for us. I know there is a plan for Madison’s life…it may not be the same as my plan, but it will still work for us. It goes against everything in me to just accept that this may not all work out the way I’ve always dreamed, so I won’t. I’ll continue to hope that one day she will have it all, every single beautiful thing that this life has to offer. And for whatever joys life chooses to deny her, I will do my best to make up for it with all the love I can possibly give her.